i recently read a comic wherein a seemingly perfect man who is good-looking, from a wealthy family, and respected by all, suddenly dumps his male lover while on vacation. the dumped lover coincidentally gets to know the man's brother and after a rocky start and taking out frustrations on the young man, finds compassion for him - even though the little brother is universally regarded, even by himself, as inferior to the older one. the seemingly perfect brother regards the two of them as his mistakes in life - which must be why, in his mind, they found each other. in the end, the two realize what a terrible and cold person the older brother is and find true love with one another. on the other end, the older brother cannot mend his relationship with either of them due to his pride and even dumps his fiancee, because he only chose her for appearance's sake and couldn't truly love her.
what can we learn from this? for those of us who are society's black sheep, who are outcasts even within groups on the margins of society, who do not fit in anywhere, i believe it is not in any way our obligation to be respectable to the mainstream. we do not have to appear decent in any way for any amount of time. we do not have to appeal to ideas and values that are not our own and that don't have our best interests in mind. we only have to be ourselves.
there is always going to be someone who looks down on you for some reason, often arbitrary, often out of your control, often more due to their own problems rather than to anything you've done wrong. i believe buddha said something to the effect of: even the best man in the world, if there were one, would have others who hated on him for this reason or that. so why worry about it? ultimately, this cannot be controlled.
here's an example which i have just witnessed and which bothers me: the gay man is persecuted by society. in turn, he persecutes the transgender man and says that they are not truly men. this gay man has learned nothing from his own oppression, has not even learned compassion or understanding for his fellow humans which are looked down upon by many, and instead takes the opportunity to look down as well. should the trans man who sees this stay in the body of a woman forever even though it makes him unhappy? should he never be able to transition because others see him as inferior, monstrous, or fake? of course not. he should grasp his chance for happiness, if that is his choice. no one should get in the way of that. life is too short. we can also see that the gay man is also derided - in his case, by straight people - so he is no better off in they eyes of mainstream society while trying to keep up the appearance of superiority in his criticism of the trans man. he achieves nothing worthwhile while also being on the same level of scorn.
in such a situation, are cisgender-hetero standards so worth pleasing, when these are the very force which oppresses us both? are such people at the top of this hierarchical ladder worth catering to, when they also see you as lesser, no matter what you do and no matter how much you look down upon this other marginalized group? it makes no sense. the gay man in this position who rejects the comradery of other black sheep is a fool.
my point here is: if you want to do something to make your existence happy which others would look down on you for, do it anyway. the people who will stay with you are the ones worth keeping. those who look down on you are just dealing with their own issues through you and their judgement has nothing to do with the reality of your life or experience. when we try to live for appearance's sake, we live in fear of the judgement of society. when we live in fear, we cannot live for the sake of doing what we love. love and fear cannot coexist. people's lives are much too dominated by fear, so take the opportunity to change that and live authentically.
even if society tells you that you are wrong and a mistake, there is almost certainly something valuable you have done or a person you have helped in some way. you are already worthy. and if you don't believe that you are, remember that people have the capacity to change, so you can change your life for the better. there is no need to lose hope. keep going and even in the darkness of life, there will be small, bright spots of light worth living for. even when things are hard and it feels like no one is there, there is always the possibility for circumstances to change and for someone important to enter your life. just as there will always be someone out to get you, there will also always be someone out there who knows your struggle and is rooting for you.
you are good enough. if someone says that you aren't, that says more about them than it does about you, doesn't it? it takes time, but you have to believe that and know it's true.
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